My secret was beginning to take a tremendous toll on me. When President
Clinton promised to lift the ban I was ecstatic and hopeful -surely he would
change everything and make it all better. Of course there was a lot of debate in
my unit, which of course left Clinton in need of my support. I engaged in debate in
the hallways and defended the right of gays to serve in the armed forces. My
open position drew the attention of my commanding officer and raised the
suspicion of some of my soldiers (supposedly). The commander ordered me to
report to him one morning, which I found odd as we were on a more personal
basis considering the counter narcotics work we were doing and working in such
a small and elite unit. But I did so as a good soldier should, and I was hammered
when I reported to him.
Clinton promised to lift the ban I was ecstatic and hopeful -surely he would
change everything and make it all better. Of course there was a lot of debate in
my unit, which of course left Clinton in need of my support. I engaged in debate in
the hallways and defended the right of gays to serve in the armed forces. My
open position drew the attention of my commanding officer and raised the
suspicion of some of my soldiers (supposedly). The commander ordered me to
report to him one morning, which I found odd as we were on a more personal
basis considering the counter narcotics work we were doing and working in such
a small and elite unit. But I did so as a good soldier should, and I was hammered
when I reported to him.
|
Former 1st Lieutenant, Military Police
US Army/California Army National Guard
US Army/California Army National Guard
There were many times in my career when my hidden identity inflicted
extraordinary pain. For instance, during preparation for deployment to Desert
Storm I was not afforded the same opportunities to say goodbye to my loved one
like everybody else was. I had to lie and connive to get a few moments for such a
painful and fearful parting. Months later I had to bare the pain alone as that
relationship began to fall apart. My fellow officers had one another to share their
life burdens with, but I had to keep mine secret while at the same time consoling
them and counseling my troops on their own family problems.
extraordinary pain. For instance, during preparation for deployment to Desert
Storm I was not afforded the same opportunities to say goodbye to my loved one
like everybody else was. I had to lie and connive to get a few moments for such a
painful and fearful parting. Months later I had to bare the pain alone as that
relationship began to fall apart. My fellow officers had one another to share their
life burdens with, but I had to keep mine secret while at the same time consoling
them and counseling my troops on their own family problems.
My Story
Andrew (Andy) Holmes
| Copyright © 2003-2007 All rights reserved. Charles Andrew Holmes |
The Photos
Top: Me today
2nd: Press photo (1994)
3rd: AT, Camp Roberts (1994)
4th: Veterans day speaking
engagement with Keith Meinholdt
and Zoe Dunning
Bottom: Press release after first
Circuit Court Hearing, 9th District.
Howard/Rice, et al Law Firm
2nd: Press photo (1994)
3rd: AT, Camp Roberts (1994)
4th: Veterans day speaking
engagement with Keith Meinholdt
and Zoe Dunning
Bottom: Press release after first
Circuit Court Hearing, 9th District.
Howard/Rice, et al Law Firm
I believe a person’s sexual orientation is a private matter, but one that cannot
always be ignored or over looked. I was forced to make mine a public issue. After
years of denial and struggling, I finally accepted the fact that I was gay. I made
this discovery well after my entry into the Army. Because I loved my career as an
Army officer, I chose to hide my identity and pretend to have a life as any
heterosexual person. I was living "undercover" 24 hours a day, 365 days a year in
an environment hostile to "people like me." The effort to disguise my life took a
tremendous amount of energy and sent a constant message to my subconscious
that I was something to be ashamed of.
always be ignored or over looked. I was forced to make mine a public issue. After
years of denial and struggling, I finally accepted the fact that I was gay. I made
this discovery well after my entry into the Army. Because I loved my career as an
Army officer, I chose to hide my identity and pretend to have a life as any
heterosexual person. I was living "undercover" 24 hours a day, 365 days a year in
an environment hostile to "people like me." The effort to disguise my life took a
tremendous amount of energy and sent a constant message to my subconscious
that I was something to be ashamed of.
| Later, upon our return to California from Desert Storm, my only civilian friends were now either gay men or women. I was afraid to have them greet me at the airport because I feared guilt by association. Some of my friends fit the obvious stereotypes and I was so afraid of being discovered. Since my point of arrival (Travis AFB, Ca.) was so far from my parents, there was no one to welcome me home. I can't describe the empty, hollow feeling of walking down the ramp from the 747 and seeing all of the news cameras; family members and friends; hearing the band and screams of joy, relief, and welcome; watching the tears flow; only to know none of it was for me. I knew it wasn't for me because despite everything I had just done for my country, if they found out I was gay, they would have thrown my ass out with a dishonorable discharge faster than I could blink an eye without so much as a thank you. |
As I stood there at attention, he began reading a list of court martial charges from
the Uniform Code of military Justice. To make a long story short, he threatened to
court martial me (on fabricated charges) if I didn't convince everyone that I was
not gay (I wore an earring during an under cover operation on the Mexican
border a few weeks earlier -technically, a uniform violation). He said I was making
everyone nervous. He wanted me to talk to my sergeants face to face and tell
them I was straight. I could have beaten the charges easily, but a court martial
hearing would mean the end of my career, so I did as I was told.
the Uniform Code of military Justice. To make a long story short, he threatened to
court martial me (on fabricated charges) if I didn't convince everyone that I was
not gay (I wore an earring during an under cover operation on the Mexican
border a few weeks earlier -technically, a uniform violation). He said I was making
everyone nervous. He wanted me to talk to my sergeants face to face and tell
them I was straight. I could have beaten the charges easily, but a court martial
hearing would mean the end of my career, so I did as I was told.
I believed my integrity was the only real asset I owned that defined my worth. It
was something I defined for myself. With every lie I told to save my career, I lost
more and more of my self-respect and my soul because it was a standard I had
set and now I was selling it away.
was something I defined for myself. With every lie I told to save my career, I lost
more and more of my self-respect and my soul because it was a standard I had
set and now I was selling it away.
It turned out almost everybody knew I was gay and they didn't give a hoot, but I
had to go through with the charade anyway. It was the commander who was
nervous, not the troops. It was then I decided I had lived a lie far too long. It was
Clinton's betrayal that cemented my decision and launched my action. Over the
next several months I researched the law and sought an attorney. After
everything was in place, I informed my command on June 3rd, 1993 that "....as a
matter of conscience, honesty and pride, I am compelled to inform you I am gay"
and life has never been the same ever since. Needless to say, that's why I was
discharged.
had to go through with the charade anyway. It was the commander who was
nervous, not the troops. It was then I decided I had lived a lie far too long. It was
Clinton's betrayal that cemented my decision and launched my action. Over the
next several months I researched the law and sought an attorney. After
everything was in place, I informed my command on June 3rd, 1993 that "....as a
matter of conscience, honesty and pride, I am compelled to inform you I am gay"
and life has never been the same ever since. Needless to say, that's why I was
discharged.
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